Sunday, 28 October 2012

Personal post:: The toy makers toy

For awhile now, I've been having difficulty expressing myself freely on my own blog. After I started publicly meeting people within the industry, the more I have felt I need to monitor what I say. Particularity as even if I feel like ranting about a company or product a bit, I may a week later find myself in an awkward situation while when drinking cocktail with their personal rep. Now, I have have gone a step too far, and from my critic seat,  have have stupidly gone and broken the number one work and dating rule. I slept with a toy maker and essentially became one of his own toys. You might've read a few previous posts about a lover who didn't understand me, well, that's him. This man has classed me a oversexed, and now seems very bitter the whole event even happened. His hope of having a no-strings affair with me, hasn't ended well at all.

There's two things I've learn.... labeling myself as a nymphomaniac probably influenced the situation. We met via fetlife and actually, I should've read his profile more prior to getting more involved. I've only just read about him looking for a play partner and mistress. I don't do play partners, and even though I can act the mistresses in the bedroom on occasion, I know personally, it's not for me. But, basically, one of his main explanation when describing his expectations from me, was that, he instantly saw me as an oversexed young woman. If any of you know me   you'll know instantly that I am highly sexed - as he put it. But you'd also know how I have serious poly relationships, many lasting over 5 years. It's not all about sex and we aim to make each other happy, and at first, this was one of my motivations with the toy maker, to make him happy. And while you may feel this makes me less of of a nympho, on the contrary, I still think about sex more than the average person would willingly admit, and actually have a lot of sex and masturbate probably too much - that my figures feel as if I've soaked them in moisturizer mitts each night before bed.

The next thing I learned, is to never sleep with anyone I basically have to work with. When studying psychology, I wondered why this rule was drilled into us so much. I did at time have my own personal fantasies about sleeping with a lab researcher, or similar, but felt that the complications would be too much. This, up-until recently, was something I understood should stay as fantasy. I have now experienced sleeping with someone, who basically I have to work with, and the outcome isn't pleasant. I'm hurt, and whilst I dislike how this man has used age against me, as he is in his 40s, I am starting to feel like that vulnerable under 25 with their embarrassing rail photo card, questioning not only my work ethics as a sex blogger, but feeling that I shouldn't even be a sex blogger as according to him, I lack experience and adult reasoning when it comes to casual sex. Personally, I thought my morals and rules behind my sex life and relationships, where very adult, and this man has made me break them.

I'm not stuck, and basically being threatened by him, to keep quiet. I've written thousands of words on the whole affair, from when he first came to mine asking to try on a cock ring - which actually I was ok with at first, as basically seeing a cock ring on a man is just another day as a sex blogger, but actually then being asked to help keep him erect wasn't, and I should've trusted my nervous exterior and refused. God my arms were shaking, and he felt that it was because I was gagging for cock. Granted, it's hard not to be turned on, when a man has a hard-on in front of you. But I was nervous, as really I wanted to keep it professional. This is where Johnson and Masters went wrong, they mixed work and pleasure. I understand some can do it, but not me. I test toys with my partners, but other than that, it doesn't go further.

Essentially, I learned that even though I love the idea of sex researching everything to do with sex toys, I now know that one should not sleep with the creators, and that also one should not test sex toys with them purely because they are seen as a nymphomaniac.

I like Kinsey's theory of a nymphomaniac, about it describing a woman who has more sex than the average or yourself. Yet, society seems to make such a negative thing about it, these women are basically sexual deviants, and thus have to live-up to these expectations.

But yeah, I know this is a bit of a ramble, but it's clearer than my twitter rant yesterday, where I was extremely upset. I really shouldn't have spoken to him, particularly as he basically told me that I'm not important to him at all. Which again, me being my under 25 self, use to feel he was important to me.... and yes  he still actually is. Particularly as the whole affair took up over 6 months of my life, impacted my relationships, and was my first negative experience within the sex industry and community. And apparently if I do blog about it, it could result in some kind or negative legal action.... well according to him. But I need a rant, an outlet, as frankly I was on the phone in tears to my mother yesterday, for the first time in years. And bless her, she didn't understand a thing I was saying as it involved talking about sex toys, the sex industry, and sex blogging.


  1. Hmm. Difficult situation you are in here. I don't think I can offer you much advice as to what to do, but I do think this particular part needs comment.

    "...feeling that I shouldn't even be a sex blogger as according to him, I lack experience and adult reasoning when it comes to casual sex."

    I've never really had casual sex. Ever. I've only really slept with two people; both of them wanted a relationship with me. I can still be a sex blogger even if I haven't had casual sex. Experience in that sort of thing doesn't matter, in my opinion, because it's not how many people you've slept with nor the terms of said sex that is helpful. I personally believe that the amount of sex you've had in general is more important. If someone had slept with 5 people once each I would still feel more qualified to blog about sex than them.

    It's also the quality of the sex that you have that is important. If you have a stupid fumble with someone you don't know and you don't really get each other off much then I don't think that is more valuable. I personally think that being in a relationship (or multiple ones!) is much more useful because you can discuss why things didn't work and improve on them.

    Because you have multiple lovers, you actually have the advantage in sex blogging. You can compare them in the way they respond to stimuli and get multiple feedbacks which I think is way more useful. If you're close with someone it is easier to discuss things properly with them and that can only be a good thing.

    There's nothing wrong with casual sex at all, of course. If that's what people want to do then it is none of my business. I just don't think it is the be-all and end-all of sex blogging.

    Please don't let what this guy said get to you. He might be older but I don't think that matters either. In my opinion the way he treats sex and those he has sex with is very negative. Age has very little to do with it: he may have had longer to find casual sex partners and even to have sex but that doesn't mean he is right in his views.

    I respect and like you very much, Ness. I think a lot of the things you have blogged about are fascinating and it would be a shame if you lost heart due to one disrespectful guy. You might have made a mistake and be regretting it but you know better now and want to improve. You took steps because you were curious and fascinated: surely everyone has made mistakes for those same reasons?

    Sorry for my return-ramble. I just wanted to express my opinion.

  2. We agree and would not wish to losse Ness for the actions of what is best described as a twat. Its at this point you shoud take all of the bad and whats been said and let it bun in side, let it burn with the drssire to be better, be amazing, grow and flower. Negitive things are only bad if thats only how they are seen.

    Now get out of bed, smile, the world you know and love is missing you.

  3. I feel sorry for all you are going through. I have always said you should write about what you know. As a sex blogger I write about things I have experienced. Miguel is always telling people about the blog. People we swing with always want me to paint them in a positive way. The truth is that if you want me to write good things about you, then be good. I write about me, my life, my experiences. I kiss and tell but, I tell that I kiss and tell.
    I think you are brave for posting this. More than that for even considering not to talk about it. This blog is a piece of you, don't edit your right to express yourself here. If he was so interested in what you might say, then maybe he should have behaved better.
    I hope you know I got your back. We sex bloggers gotta stick together.


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